My husband and I are nearing the end of a new home construction. We broke ground November 2019. They got the frame up right before the pandemic gravely exploded worldwide. The timing was fortunate because now the cost of lumber has gone up. What is unfortunate now is that covid has caused many shipping delays and materials are becoming more scarce. Plants and factories have closed or reduced capacity so that adds to the slowness.
We have a loose date of completion of “before Christmas.” This whole experience is very similar to our adoption wait last year. Everyday for a year was torture because people would ask us daily, “have you heard anything yet?” I would have to disappoint them with my lack of news and my lack of control in the process. Much like building a house is dependent on a wide circle of factors, so is adoption. We can’t install the floors until the cabinets are in, among other things. Bathroom tiles need grout before a cabinet can go in. Mostly you can’t get an occupancy permit unless you have a certain number of things done.
With adoption, we couldn’t get a court date without EP submission and then EP approval. We also had to achieve other legal milestones. And in order to bring your child home you have to gain final approval. These are government offices so processes are also dependent on each other. I remember the fear and anxiety throughout that process and it’s feeling the same with the building of this house.
At this time last year we were already assigned a court date so that was a bit of relief. It’s really the not knowing that creates fear and restlessness. When you’re in a pandemic and so many businesses are closed and there are so many restrictions on what you can do there is a consistent stirring because you just don’t know what’s going to happen next. Pre-pandemic, contractors could give a better estimate of completion times, but now everything is just a mess.
It is a house and we are very blessed to even be able to do a home construction. But these days, since your world centers around your home it’s something that I want to be completed oh so badly.
I truly admire the families that are in the process now. I heard it’s hard to even get a home study done because the social worker has to visit the home and that’s not recommended right now. And I really look up to the families that traveling over to Seoul now for their court/custody dates. These days you have to quarantine for 2 weeks after arrival so families are taking one trip of 2 months. We wouldn’t be able to do that because of my husband’s job. It makes me feel more thankful than ever for Ayden.
Similar to how I made lists of ways to pass the time when waiting to adopt, my list has a changed a little waiting for the house to be finished.
- Play with your child. Play can be very therapeutic and helps you live in the moment.
- Pet your dog. Dogs get anxiety too. They can sense it from their owners so they need a lot of soothing.
- Listen to music. For a couple of songs, really listen to the lyrics, the instrumentation, and the harmony. We multitask too much these days. Just listening to the song brings you back to yourself.
- Meditate. Deep breathing also brings you back and for me, releases the shoulders, which is an area of high tension.
- Scrapbook. Now I have 8 million photos of my son on my phone. He won’t be this cute forever, so I have to preserve his youth. I get some photos printed and scrapbook the memories away.
Something else that is helpful for me also is writing. It just helps to get the thoughts out and organize what is in your brain. It brings peace and clarity.
If anyone does happen to read this, my guess is you’re waiting to adopt or thinking of adopting. I admire your ability to have the strength and courage to move forward in such an unnerving state of the world. If you are continuing with the process you are so brave, patient and faithful. Your child might never understand your saintlike sacrifice and really how much you love him/her.
I pray for all families in the world right now no matter their size or circumstances. It is just so difficult and everyone feels isolated. As is the title of one our favorite Korean dramas states, it’s ok to not be ok.
Adopting After Infertility 