My jet lag has finally started to lift so I’m lucid enough to try and recount the details of what has unleashed. In the past 72 hours I have become a parent, flown almost 13,000 miles around the world and also survived the Christmas holiday. Did I forget to mention, I BECAME A PARENT?!
Custody day was a whirlwind because originally we were told that our embassy appointment would take place hours after custody since our kid is so clingy. So we thought we would have some time to calm him down after separation from foster family. Yet that morning, our Korean social worker informed us that the Christmas holiday got a little hectic at the embassy so they moved the visa appointment up. Excellent.
The morning Ayden came into the agency with the foster family my stomach plummeted. FM and her daughter were already crying buckets and I couldn’t help myself so I started crying also. Baby was already upset since the family was getting his things ready the night before and he didn’t sleep well. So we’re taking a cranky, sleep deprived kid and handing him over to his new parents- while the family he has known for two years appears to willingly let him be taken away. Awesome. FM sucks up her tears to explain to me the items with which she is sending us off. They also gave us information about daily routines, favorites, etc. to get us started. We, along with another family taking custody that day go up to the chapel and say a prayer. More tears. Then, FM offers to drive us back to our hotel. How do you say no to that?
The fifteen minute ride to our hotel felt like an eternity. I can only imagine what was going through this family’s minds. But now knowing my darling boy, I know that they grieved, and probably are still grieving hard. Thank god for technology because it helped somewhat communicate with foster daughter during the car ride. She is very sweet and cute and we have become friends over Instagram. This how I send her updates on our boy. We were also able to text while we were still in Korea when we had a few simple questions about our son’s habits.
We arrive to the hotel and get out of the car. We hug again, cry some more, they hand us over the things and my instincts just tell me we have to split up now or else it will never happen. We take our screaming baby up to the hotel room and try to calm him down. He was carrying on and wailing but nothing we could do would soothe him. How could we? His entire world just flipped upside down. At this point we are still strangers. The housekeeper slipped a little note under the door saying to let her know when we’re ready for her to come back. Well 10 minutes later we find her in the next room and say we’re going because we have to head to the embassy.
Parents with biokids had months and months to develop those arm muscles that carry their kids around. I lacked the strength so my husband had to carry him for the 15 minute walk to the embassy. We brought a travel stroller but could only guess on size. It was too small so we chucked it. Ayden gave us a little break from crying to get us through security and into the embassy.
We walk up to our designated room and there are three other families also doing visas. Two families we know from our agency. And one had a screamer also when they took custody so they were very empathetic. Although everyone is understanding, I just feel skittish because all the kids in the room are quiet while ours is crying his eyes out. I couldn’t rightfully be embarrassed but it certainly was scary. Is this how it will be for the next ## weeks/months/years??
We get the visa and then head back to the hotel. The goldfish crackers that gave us 15 minutes of a quiet break lulled our son into a nice nap so we were actually able to start breathing again. We texted friends and family and tried to formulate a plan for the rest of the day, but we really just spent the remaining hours calming him down. I would like to thank the Tula baby carrier company because that is the only thing that got me to carry my baby and soothe him for the rest of the evening. So finally hubby could go out and get dinner. Ayden at last ate a proper meal. Then we tried to get some sleep. He knows we’re trying to get him to sleep but still doesn’t trust us, but sometimes those parental instincts just kick in. We read him a story, rocked him, put on the baby lullaby music and thankfully he fell asleep. Probably just from sheer exhaustion from the day’s events but it’s ok. I’ll take it.
Something happened the next day that was absolutely extraordinary. Looking back now it might be that honeymoon period that they informed us about in the adoption trainings. Ayden woke up, we sat with him and he was calm. We got ready. walked downstairs to breakfast and had a nice meal. We went back to the hotel room and hung out. We watched a movie and started playing. Our child’s true personality shined through. We colored, explored the fascinating objects in the hotel room and made tissue mountains. Then we went out for Korean barbecue and walked around the area. No meltdowns in sight. That evening we even went to this fun Minion Perspective exhibit where Ayden demonstrated his love for ball pits. This was a 180 switch from the day before. It was like we were a family on vacation. Well that’s exactly what it was.
The flight home was smooth overall. I’ve heard some stories from other Korean adoptive families but Ayden did well. Sure he vomited halfway into the flight but that is not uncommon for someone’s first flight. Or perhaps it could have been the random variety of snacks and two bottles of water he had just chugged. Parenting lesson #1-just because your child is a good eater doesn’t mean he should be eating everything in sight.
We get home and I’m exhausted but it’s Christmas Day, so we stop to see some family on the way home. We get to our place and it’s real. We are in our reality and need to start establishing routines. The day after custody, hubby and baby bonded quite quickly. During adoption training they said that it is normal for baby to attach to one parent more than the other. If you give it time you will feel bonded. But I still didn’t feel quite as close a connection.
Today was miraculous. Ayden and I bonded over the baby shark fishing game. He even grabbed my finger, the way he had been grabbing hubby’s for the past 3 days and took me to go to another room in the house. Every minute he is doing something cute and unexpected. I just love to see what he will do next. I completely understand why foster family was so sad. I just can’t imagine loving and having so many fun special moments with a baby and then having to say goodbye.
With Korean adoption you are engaged in a familial triad. I cannot ever forget birth mom’s loving, selfless decision to place her child. In the same way, foster family holds a special place in our hearts. We mentioned to them possibly going back in a couple of years to visit and I really hope we can. I am simply over whelmed with love and cannot believe the intensity of events that have led us to our little miracle.
Adopting After Infertility 