It has been 6 months having our little guy home. Our trips to Seoul went well. During the first trip we connected with our older son’s foster family. It was such a joy to see how happy his foster mom and sister were to reunite. We were the first family that has come back so it was a very special time. Our meetings with baby and foster mom went as expected. Dex was cautious of us at first and didn’t exactly know what was going on, but he knew some big changes were on the way. Our court appointment and also meetings at the agency felt different just because they were far fewer families that were adopting since 2019.

The day we took custody of Dex changed our lives. He wasn’t crying that much nor overly upset, just cautious of these new people and wondering what was going on. But he quickly warmed to us. We played, swam in the pool hotel, and saw some of the sights in Insadong. I would say custody with our second was a little bit calmer than with our first.

In general my younger is a calmer person than his older brother. The biggest challenge is his inability to sleep all the way through the night. He is also a pretty picky eater. But these are common traits of toddlers that most people say become outgrown.

Being the mother of two is interesting because we have to manage their interactions. My boys are 4.5 years apart which, during these young years, is a large gap. Their interests and abilities are completely different. But we have found some commonalities with cars, sports and cartoons. I cherish all the short times they get along as little wins. They will become closer and have more in common as they keep growing.

Other challenges include the toddler milestones such as potty training, talking and making friends. I suppose these are easier overall since we’ve seen how they unfold with our first and know that everything comes in time.

Two children is definitely more work than one, but I just keep reminding myself that they will have each other for the rest of their lives. Sibling relationships are special and make life more meaningful and full. Our family feels more complete and now we can all enjoy life’s ups and downs together.

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. Apparently I posted 2 years ago when we started adoption #2. That was a long time ago and during that time we were up and down and thinking we could just be happy with one child. Then we received a referral about a month ago and ended up accepting. This adoption is a lot more difficult than the first. With our first child, wait times for a referral, emigration submission, emigration permission, court date and final custody were more predictable. After Covid and many changes in the world, things are even less certain. With fertility rates decreasing and cultural changes in South Korea, we simply could not believe that we got a referral for a healthy baby. All in all, our son will love to have a younger brother. They can play together. They can help one another. They will undoubtedly have spats throughout the years, but life will be nice because they have each other.

It’s been 4 years since we’ve gone through the adoption process. I was trying to remember how I coped with the wait and then I remember blogging about it. I don’t know if anyone reads this but it helps me to get the thoughts out. Much like a pregnant woman, adoptive parents are filled with hopes and fears; we also encounter unexpected surprises along the way. I’ve returned to the online forums chatting with other waiting families who are in similar situations. Some families are adopting their first child. Others are growing theirs with perhaps a mixture of adopted and biological children. No matter what the situation there are a multitutde of things that could happen and it messes with your mind sometimes. I try to just take a breath and relax. Everything that will happen is meant to be.

There are some exciting things we can do right now. We’ve been researching flights and hotels. Luckily the airline we are looking at has a new policy, so children fly for a more reduced price than in the past. During adoption #1 we stayed at a very hip hotel for our first trip, but this time around I think we will stay at the same hotel during our custody trip to see if our child remembers anything from that time. We also plan to try and meet up with his foster family so they can see how much he’s grown.

We can purchase a few small items and send care packages to our son while we wait. We recently sent one with a recordable storybook so he can hear our voices. It also included clothes, toys and other baby books.

These days my son is putting some of his “baby toys” aside so that they will be ready for when his brother arrives. It’s cute to see his excitement. He has been telling us where he thinks a crib should go. I think that he will be jealous of him at first, but over time it will help him to become more responsible. Many people also tell me that having 2 kids is easier than having one. I’m skeptical but we will see!

We are in the process of adopting our second child! Ayden is doing so amazingly well and we would like to grow our family and give Ayden a brother or sister.

We’ve been working on our home study. I forgot how much paperwork it is. We also had to do additional training since it’s been a while. Luckily we don’t have to do the psychological evaluation again. That was a very interesting test and we got a lot of insight into our personalities; but it was LONG and kind of repetitive.

We are using the same home study agency and also the same placement agency. But things in Korea are a little different right now, obviously because of the pandemic. I thought before everything took a long time, but now, it’s extra. Whereas we were matched with Ayden 3 months after submitting our home study, these days the referral can take 6-8 months. Before, we traveled after a year. Now it will take 18-24 months. I’m really hopeful that we won’t be required to quarantine at that point.

We’re settled in our home and are looking forward to becoming a family of 4 (5 if you count the fur baby). It will be nice for Ayden to have a playmate. And our second child most likely would develop quickly since there will be another child at home.

I remember growing up with a sibling so close in age made life more fun. We were always together and I never felt lonely. Ayden will have that and in addition, he can have someone to share the adoptee experience with.

I hope everything goes well. I pray for another healthy and happy child. I also can’t wait to see Seoul again.

I had my first face to face parent teacher conference yesterday. There have been two conference periods since Ayden has started daycare, but at those times he was still adjusting to everything so we just wanted to give him more time and weren’t too worried about hitting certain milestones. Now that his speech/language development is still delayed I thought it best to actually talk to the teacher about it. She really pushed for an in-person meeting.

They use these documents of milestones for specific age groups. Ayden’s meeting focused on what typically developing students should be doing at 42 months. The majority of his development is typical. He actually potty trained really fast. He was completely trained in a month, only 3 months after turning 2. And his gross motor skills are extremely strong. He is STRONG. Let me tell you this kid can do pull ups and push ups and when he grabs me, sometimes I feel like one of those bear traps got me.

Ayden definitely talks more at home, but he’s more clingy and dependent on me, because I’m his mom. For some toddlers, mama is everything so the school and home environment cannot compare.

At school he doesn’t talk during meals, he doesn’t ask for certain things that the other kids do, and he doesn’t tell stories or use abstract language in the way other kids can. For the first 2 years of my son’s life he heard and used Korean language, so there has been a huge language barrier for him. And English pronunciation is difficult for him. When he says “dinosaur” it sounds something like “binofour.” “Cold” sounds like “poll” and “you’re welcome” is something like “gugeckum.” I mean the kid is trying.

Humor is also one of his coping mechanisms when he can’t use language properly. If he doesn’t know a word on a flashcard or in a book, he will goofily say it’s cake. If he doesn’t know how to respond to something he will do something silly like put his shirt over his head, or throw a tantrum in frustration. Could be toddler behavior, could be the speech delay.

I often wonder if his speech delay has something to do with something that happened in utero. His birth mom smoked and drank for 5 month because she didn’t know she was pregnant until then. We’re in the process of adopting our second child so we’re doing more trainings. I recently learned about some effects of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. I’m not sure Ayden has it, but maybe that language part of the brain was somehow hindered in his infancy.

I share many of the struggles that biological parents have, however we have the addition of factors common in the adoption world. Korea is a modern nation with advanced healthcare system, and we have a full health history on our son. But there are only a few pieces we know about his birth parents. So who knows what issues may arise that could have biological or genetic reasoning. I have vertigo and dizzy spells, which I know I get from my dad. If Ayden develops conditions like this we might not know where it comes from. In addition, Ayden suffered the trauma of being separated from his foster family. They are great people and I hope we get to meet them again one day.

I guess all parents live with unknowns, uncertainty and are trying to figure it out. However I wish there could be some additional training to educational staff about issues adopted kids might carry.

November is adoption awareness month. I follow a lot of other Korean adoption families on social media and they are reflecting on their experiences. It’s nice to see that a lot of them have the same thoughts as me. We are grateful and simultaneously disappointed in the culture that gave us our children. Without the shame or pressure that Korean mothers sometimes face to place their children for adoption, a mother who heartfully wants to parent a child might not have been able to do so.

People adopt for a variety of reasons. There are devout Christians who find it their holy duty. Many like myself many find adoption after failing to conceive naturally. Some want to grow their family but just don’t want to give birth again. Others are adoptees who want to provide the same extraordinary experience they had during their upbringing. Whenever I casually talk to people about adoption, I always say that everyone is adopted in one way or another. Co-workers form familial bonds; friends create their own family relationships; and people marry into each other’s families. It’s all a matter of perspective and how you choose to respect or disrespect someone’s background.

It’s fitting for us that November is adoption awareness month because it’s also the time when we first met our child. At this time last year we knew our court date of November 21. I was packing up all the gifts and imagining what it would be like to first meet Ayden and his foster mom. Just looking back at those photos I can’t believe how much he’s grown. He didn’t know us at all and his entire world changed overnight. He’s so resilient and I just can’t believe how incredible he is. 

We took custody of Ayden on December 23, 2019. The first few hours he cried, but then he ate and fell asleep for the night. The next day we had an amazing first full day as a family. I will never forget Ayden screaming “Appa!” (father) to Nihar when we were at the ball pit at the Children’s Museum in Insadong. I will also always remember the long flight home on December 25 when Nihar was so exhausted from carrying and entertaining him since Ayden was not yet attached to me. He desperately needed to sleep but Ayden didn’t like me yet so I literally just carried him around the plane cabin for hours to soothe him because sitting down made him uncomfortable. I consider that my birthing story because A) he is not a small kid and I did not yet have the strength built up from carrying a child on a regular basis so after that day I felt like a noddle and B) the next day he got so attached to me that it was like we already had him for the first 2 years of his life.

This year I’m hoping that our home construction will be completed soon and we can move in before Christmas. It will be amazing to see Ayden’s face when he wakes up on Christmas morning and sees the pile of presents under the tree. He will laugh and eat pancakes and dance to Christmas Pororo videos. If you’re waiting to live in your dream forever home then this time is only a drop in the bucket.

My husband and I are nearing the end of a new home construction. We broke ground November 2019. They got the frame up right before the pandemic gravely exploded worldwide. The timing was fortunate because now the cost of lumber has gone up. What is unfortunate now is that covid has caused many shipping delays and materials are becoming more scarce. Plants and factories have closed or reduced capacity so that adds to the slowness.

We have a loose date of completion of “before Christmas.” This whole experience is very similar to our adoption wait last year. Everyday for a year was torture because people would ask us daily, “have you heard anything yet?” I would have to disappoint them with my lack of news and my lack of control in the process. Much like building a house is dependent on a wide circle of factors, so is adoption. We can’t install the floors until the cabinets are in, among other things. Bathroom tiles need grout before a cabinet can go in. Mostly you can’t get an occupancy permit unless you have a certain number of things done.

With adoption, we couldn’t get a court date without EP submission and then EP approval. We also had to achieve other legal milestones. And in order to bring your child home you have to gain final approval. These are government offices so processes are also dependent on each other. I remember the fear and anxiety throughout that process and it’s feeling the same with the building of this house.

At this time last year we were already assigned a court date so that was a bit of relief. It’s really the not knowing that creates fear and restlessness. When you’re in a pandemic and so many businesses are closed and there are so many restrictions on what you can do there is a consistent stirring because you just don’t know what’s going to happen next. Pre-pandemic, contractors could give a better estimate of completion times, but now everything is just a mess.

It is a house and we are very blessed to even be able to do a home construction. But these days, since your world centers around your home it’s something that I want to be completed oh so badly.

I truly admire the families that are in the process now. I heard it’s hard to even get a home study done because the social worker has to visit the home and that’s not recommended right now. And I really look up to the families that traveling over to Seoul now for their court/custody dates. These days you have to quarantine for 2 weeks after arrival so families are taking one trip of 2 months. We wouldn’t be able to do that because of my husband’s job. It makes me feel more thankful than ever for Ayden.

Similar to how I made lists of ways to pass the time when waiting to adopt, my list has a changed a little waiting for the house to be finished.

1. Play with your child. Play can be very therapeutic and helps you live in the moment.
2. Pet your dog. Dogs get anxiety too. They can sense it from their owners so they need a lot of soothing.
3. Listen to music. For a couple of songs, really listen to the lyrics, the instrumentation, and the harmony. We multitask too much these days. Just listening to the song brings you back to yourself.
4. Meditate. Deep breathing also brings you back and for me, releases the shoulders, which is an area of high tension.
5. Scrapbook. Now I have 8 million photos of my son on my phone. He won’t be this cute forever, so I have to preserve his youth. I get some photos printed and scrapbook the memories away.

Something else that is helpful for me also is writing. It just helps to get the thoughts out and organize what is in your brain. It brings peace and clarity.

If anyone does happen to read this, my guess is you’re waiting to adopt or thinking of adopting. I admire your ability to have the strength and courage to move forward in such an unnerving state of the world. If you are continuing with the process you are so brave, patient and faithful. Your child might never understand your saintlike sacrifice and really how much you love him/her.

I pray for all families in the world right now no matter their size or circumstances. It is just so difficult and everyone feels isolated. As is the title of one our favorite Korean dramas states, it’s ok to not be ok.

I’m trying to see the positives of this pandemic. Luckily my whole family has been healthy and safe. We stay home and take all the necessary precautions. I became a mom in December of 2019 and the pandemic really took full force only a couple of months later, so I had a little bit of time to train myself to stay home so much. When your child’s whole world is his parents and he can get so much excitement out of just making blubber noises with your mouth, you don’t really have to leave the house at all.

The other day I picked up Ayden from daycare. He goes part time, which is great for his socialization and development. It also gives our dog some space so they don’t have “sibling rivalry” all the time. Parents are not allowed inside the building anymore. At drop off, they take your child’s temperature. Then at pickup, you ring the doorbell so they can bring your child to you. And of course everyone wears masks.

My son has to walk through the infant room from his toddler room in order to get the door to me. At first when he had to see the infant teacher all the time, he was shy. But now he is even playful and social with her. The teacher told me how wonderfully she thought Ayden was progressing. She also said she would have never guessed at first meeting us that he was adopted. He certainly does look like he could be our biological child. We just got to talking about how attachment can sometimes take years for adoptive families, so I feel super lucky. He was calling us mom and dad the day after custody. She gave us compliments and blessings and I was getting emotional.

Though these times are strange, it helps us to appreciate our families so much more. You learn to adjust and appreciate small things like taking a nap or learning a new delicious recipe. I just hope my family continues to stay safe and healthy. We are happy with just being.

One of the best books I read in deciding to adopt was Adoption: Choosing it, Living It, Loving It by Dr. Ray Guarendi. He’s a psychologist who, with his wife, has adopted 10 children. While Guarendi focuses mostly on domestic adoption and the foster system, many of his chapters are still relevant to international adoption. The book is in advice column format tackling concerns such as deciding to adopt, perhaps adopting a special needs child, or taking on sibling groups. He also  discusses adopting older children, the search for birth parents and social stigmas. With wit, wisdom and lots of personal experience, he assures readers that adoption can be one of the most life changing and rewarding experiences in a family’s life.

Now that we have been officially placed with our son and he has been home for over 7 months, I have been re-reading the book. In reflecting on the experience, I am so happy that we adopted. Dr.Gurendi and his wife also suffered from infertility. While it was more of an instant decision for them to want to adopt, it took a little bit longer for me. I still had to grieve the possibility of giving birth to a biological child. Now that my son is home, I honestly feel like we’ve had him since birth. He is so attached to my husband and me, and we are so honored to be able to parent him. 

One of the biggest reasons people don’t adopt is because they’re scared. Fear is a huge factor causing people to not go forward with the process. There are so many what-ifs. What if the child rejects me? What if the child develops a medical problem I can’t deal with? What if s/he is a behavioral nightmare? What if I’m a terrible parent? What if s/he prefers to be with the birth mother? Will I love this child as much as a biological child? Just examining these questions listed, the only purely adoption-related ones are the last two. The other questions would pertain to any child adopted or not. Guarendi takes many opportunities in his novel to normalize adoption and encourage people to give it a try. Adoption can become a family’s whole life focus or it can just be another characteristic making the family unique. It all depends on your perception and attitude.

There are many uncertainties when adopting, particularly waiting time. There is no set in stone number of days in which you will find out if you’ve been matched; similarly it is unknown when you will get final approval. Sure the wait times are shorter in the U.S. foster system, but parents are often fearful that the birth mom will come forward and choose to keep custody of her child. Gurendi accurately assumes, If one wants certainty in life, having a child is not the place to start. Indeed during our wait to adopt I was a fearful wreck. We adopted from South Korea and the system and culture makes adoptions almost guaranteed and irreversible. Nonetheless I had thoughts such as, what if the Korean government finds something in our dossier that they don’t like and change their mind? What if we’re on the flight and the plane crashes? I could go into the multitudinous scenarios my mind created, all of which were cooked up by my own insecurities. And this is pre-pandemic. There are a whole host of extra medical measures families have to go through now to adopt from Korea so I am super grateful that we were placed with our child at that time. We simply cannot let our fears overrun our faith.

All in all, Guarendi normalizes adoption and assures his audience that there are just as many unknowns, joys, challenges, and funny moments in biological parenting as adoptive parenting. I’m sometimes nervous thinking about how my son will react when he fully understands his adoption story, but I’m trying to take things day by day for now and enjoy the simple early childhood moments. We have the patience and compassion to help him in whatever growing pains may come.